Melancholy

Feeling somewhat melancholy this weekend.

I miss Crockett. Today is the kind of day he loved in the park - sunny and windy.  His head would have been up high with his nose working overtime inhaling the scent of everything.

I have a To Do List with about 10 items and my body just can't seem to get up and move.

I know I'll feel better once I've done the dishes and cleaned he kitchen but to get from here to there.....ugh.

Another one of the many photos taken on our walks.

Realization

Two realizations hit me the other day rather hard as I was sitting on the couch watching TV:

1. I am 100% absolutely fine with the fact that I will never have children.

2. I am a Dog person.  I must and will have Dogs in my life, for my whole life.

I am in no way wanting to replace Crockett. He was unique and special and my heart is still hurting from our loss.

I am however hopeful that come next spring, we will be healed and ready to welcome a little 4 legged fur life in our home & hearts.  

Unorganized

99.9% of the time Crockett & I were out walking, I had my camera with me.  I've taken so many photos of Crockett, the park, flowers, the neighbourhood, Adam, the sky, and everything in between.

What I did not do was organize my photos well. Actually, at all.  I fear it'll take me at least until Christmas to get all my files in order. I will admit, being unorganized like this is causing me a little bit of anxiety.

What I'm experiencing right now is a pain that is still too close to the surface to just click & file.  Every photo I look at makes the memories flood in. It really is lovely to have so many photos and videos of Crockett.  I wish I had as many of my previous 4 legged lovelies; Max, Sheba, and Candy.

I saw a post on Facebook today that said, " Every dog should have a home and every home should have a dog.", and I completely agree.  I am not one to rush about and get another dog.  To each his own when it comes to this, but for me, I need to grieve, remember, reflect, and let time pass before jumping back in.

Pet ownership is a great responsibility. One that I do not take lightly. NEVER would I want a pet as a gift, or as a surprise.  Also, pet care is costly and if you can't cover the monthly insurance and upkeep costs, you have no business getting a pet.

Here are just a few I've come across while filing. He really was adorable :)

Crockett

We lost our sweet boy 8 days ago.  He was a sweet loving Pug who wanted nothing more than to be around his people.  His people loved him very much and are heart broken and missing him.

I want to write about it but am still too fragile.  It has been a very emotional week. Some people just do not understand the emotions involved when one loses a pet and that's okay.

Pugs (and all dogs really) make your heart grow so that it hurts even more when it breaks.  I am not a religious person, but there is a part of me I admit, that hopes there is a heaven so I can see all my 4 legged lovelies again one day.

Crockett at the Park

Our sweet blind Crockett.

Social Media Break

I did it.  Today, I've decided to take a Social Media break for the rest of August.  I got a Blackberry through work and turned into a person I never thought I would - one who had their nose forever looking down at their phone.

With all this Toronto Mayoral election nonsense, I'd become addicted to Twitter.  My Twitter feed was keeping me updated and engaged on my way to & from work. I have learned more about municipal politics than I ever cared to. Let us just say I am not a Rob Ford supporter, not now, not ever.  To get away from it for the remainder of the month will be a very nice break. No Facebook and no Twitter.

I will of course, continue to watch the news and read newspapers, the way we did in the "olden days".  There is too much going on in the world to be ignorant.

I did get a new release from the library that I'd placed on hold, The Book of Life - Deborah Harkness.  It is the last book in the All Souls Trilogy.  I only have it for 2 weeks so I'll have to get on it.

It'll also be nice to get back focused on taking pictures and giving my blog life. I won't be taking any time off work so I'll need to make the most of the remaining summer weekends.

Poor sweet Crockett has pretty much completely lost his vision.  He doesn't enjoy walking on the sidewalk but is okay once we get into the park.  I can't drop the leash and let him wander as he could hurt himself, or he will just stand there looking around for me when I'm right next to him.  His hearing seems to be not as good either.  He's our sweet old boy who is enjoying cuddles more now than ever.  I think he likes knowing we're close.

Adam and I have felt a lot better lately than either of us have in a while. We're on a "clean house" kick.  I've still got a cupboard to go through and get rid of anything I haven't worn in 12 months. I don't have tons of clothes or shoes, I'm sensible that way. There are a few items that I've been holding onto that I'm going to part with, the "I'll fit into them again someday" items. Of course there are a few classics and favorites I'll never part with. My goal is simplicity. I hate clutter, it shuts me down.

Lastly, I've been eating less and less meat which is good. By the time winter rolls around, I want to have mastered a few meatless recipes because as much as I enjoy a good juicy hamburger now and again, I just don't want to eat meat.

I have to find some good vegetarian recipe sites.  I know why I don't want to eat meat and I don't want sites that continually talk about factory farming or the slaughter of animals. I'll have to become familiar with the cook book section at the library.

I missed April

There is a sort of guilt I feel for not updating my blog more often.  Not because I feel beholden to anyone other than myself.

I can't believe I missed all of April 2014!  I am THANKFUL that April was uneventful.  It was April of last year that my Mom had her heart attack and I had my hospitailzation due to my vision.

My Mom is fantastic - in better health than anyone I know.  I'm happy the weather has turned so she can start going out for her walks as that made her feel better.

My eyes are not back to 100%.  Some days they are at 90% and some days at about 70%. I try not to talk about it too much. Talking about it makes it more real and scary as hell.  Better to suffer in silence at times. It's tough when you open your eyes and you just can't see properly.

Today is Mother's Day.  A day with extra special meaning.  I have 2 ladies that are responsible for my life. My birth mother and my mother. I am the luckiest in that department and wouldn't have it any other way.

It's an odd feeling being 45 myself and not being a mother.  Not how I thought things would turn out for me.  Being adopted had a very significant impact on me for many aspects of life, specifically procreation. Not a damaging impact, just a very significant impact. One that I can't put into words but that is clear in my own mind.

So today I'll relish in being Crockett's caregiver and know that in my own way, I've impacted a few 4 legged lives in a maternal way.

Today is also my Adam's birthday. What a perfect day.

What Day Is It?

Wow, has time passed by so very quickly.  March has been a blur. March has been cold. March has been tough on Crockett. March has pulled at my heart strings.

Our boy has been suffering due to Collapsed Trachea.  What was previously misdiagnosed as Kennel Cough was in fact Collapsed Trachea.  It happens in smaller breeds and it is just another joy of Pug parenthood.

It has been something he's lived with for 5 years now.  He would have the odd episode, more often than not after running around at the park, or climbing the stairs.  He'd cough a few times, then carry on his way like nothing ever happened.

Earlier last week, we thought we were going to have to say goodbye to our boy.  He spent the better part of 2 days and nights having 20 minute episodes with a cough (goose honk) at every exhale.  He would maybe be lucky to get 30 minutes of respite between sessions.

After a visit to the vet, he was put on an antibiotic to clear his lungs - thankfully he didn't have pneumonia, just a bit of fluid build up.  He was also given Hycodan to suppress his cough and give him some relief.

These drugs alone didn't do the job so we went back to the vet for the next option.  A face mask and puffer (corticosteroid).  Well, WOOHOO, this trifecta of medications has worked.  We have had a weekend with a happy, non-coughing, Pug and even more happy Mommy & Daddy.

Next week is April. Wow, only 9 months 'til Christmas!

More Reading

I finished the Crazy Town The Rob Ford Story by Robin Doolittle.  The more I read, the more I found myself getting angry and irritated.  There was nothing in it about his antics that I didn't already know, but I was shocked to learn of some of the Ipsos Reid Poll results after some of his behaviors and exploits were exposed.  Crazy Town really is the perfect title.

Sadly, there's a group of Rob Ford supporters that will support him no matter what.  These people listen to talk radio, which is more host opinion than fact, and who will likely not read Robin Doolittle's book or watch election debates. It's frustrating.

From Adam's office today, I heard him exclaim, "Holy Christ."  When I asked him what he'd read, he showed me this from the Toronto Star:

"Mayor Rob Ford cleared customs Saturday, apparently
the first step in attending Sunday night’s Oscars ceremony.

According to Ford's Twitter Account, he was in Chicago’s
O’Hare International Airport Saturday afternoon. Ford told
the Toronto Sun’s Joe Warmington that he’s attending the
Academy Awards on Sunday night, and then appearing on
Jimmy Kimmel Live on Monday."

Enough about our Asshat Mayor. Back to what this post is about - what I'm reading.

I did return 2 books to the library without reading them. Annabel by Kathleen Winter and The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein.  I just couldn't get into a rhythm with Annabel.  For me it's the kind of read that would be best when I'm on vacation, sitting on a comfy chair on a dock by the water, under the sun.

Returning those 2 books, I picked up 2 others that came in that I'd requested:

Stiff. The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers - Mary Roach

Spook. Science Tackles the Afterlife - Mary Roach.

Links

These are some of the places I have spent time online.  I don't know why my links aren't set up the way I want them to be.  Click where bold & enjoy!

Amazon wildlife photographer Charlie Hamilton James brought something special home with him.

If I had kids, they would for sure have a few of these Sesame Street prints on the bedroom walls.

Nom nom nom.  I will try this Garlic Cheddar Biscuit recipe myself one day soon.

How cool is this? Free online documentaries. Go ahead, expand you consciousness!

When I read that Kevin O'Leary thinks it's fantastic that 3.5 billion people are living in poverty, because it motivates them to look up to the 1% and say " I want to become one of those people."  It makes me angry. He needs to read this article on what poor people actually do.

I am trying to de-clutter and minimize the amount of "things" I own.  I want what I have to be meaningful and useful.  I find articles like this one helpful although, there are for sure more than just 8 things we can live without.

I love that I work from 8am-4pm as I get home early-ish from work. The only drawback is that I already have to get up earlier than the average person as I have a 90 minute commute to work.  It would be lovely if I could better take advantage of the early morning hours like this article advises.

The title says it all, 50 Quotes to Help You Let Go and Live.

Although I love tattoos and still want to get a few more, I have changed how I feel about their placement.  Being a Harry Potter admirer, some of these are adorable.

I am on board with the Tiny House movement. If I could, I would wake up tomorrow on my own piece of land in a tiny house built with my two hands.  Getting Adam on board has been a whole other thing. Of these  11 tiny houses  I wold live in #'s 2-3-4-7-8-9-11.

Being adopted and growing up where you don't look like anyone, I find Ulric Colette's work fascinating.  This project consists of photographic research on the genetic similarities between members of the same family.

I could stare at these Cinemagraphs all day. 

I wonder how I would feel if I saw a photo of a perfect Photoshopped me. It can imagine ot would be odd.

Dogs are awesome. They really are.

Enjoy!