My Life Today for 2:40:00

Today for me was in the top 2 awful awful transit experiences.

It is times like this that I envy people of deep faith who

can look at bad situations as an opportunity for growth

or have the inner peace of knowing everything

that happens is part of God's plan.

Serious envy.

Today I was tested.

Every part of me that is kind, loving, accepting, empathetic,

joyful, optimistic, hopeful, calm, and tolerant was ripped from

my very being.

It took me 1 hour to travel exactly 3.5kms!

The entire journey home took 2 hours and 40 minutes.

I left work at 4:00pm

I walked in my door at 6:40pm

To try and put a visual to how I felt today, I went onto

Google to find a photo of an overcrowded bus in India.

How completely wonderful that I found this photo.

Source

The reason why it is perfect is because on my way home, my

bus goes to Finch Station.

The bus was so full I could taste

the person's breath who was standing next to me.

I almost got a girl's boob cleavage sweat dripped on me as she

reached over to ring the bell.

All I had to do was shake my head from side to side &

I could have motor boated her.

There was for sure a kid with a full poopy diaper

and a couple of SBD's were released by more than one person

throughout the journey.

Thank goodness for strawberry scented chapstick.

I hold it up to my nose to combat the many TTC odors.

Disgusting to read?

More disgusting to experience.

What took the cake was when I finally got

a seat for the last 15 minutes of my trip, a young

drug addict/dealer/hoodlum/menace-to-society

sat in the seat next to me.

He must have been high on speed.

He was hyper, loud, and his arms and

fists came within inches of my face multiple times.

As he and his friends talked about how much money they

make selling weed and how many baby mama's they

have, I had to do everything in my power

to relax my facial muscles to ensure no expression.

I turned up the volume on my mp3 player to

maximum & could still hear him clearly.

Gotye or Trisha Yearwood couldn't drown him out.

I am 100% serious when I say that it was

a situation where I feared if I gave any indication of

irritation, I'd have gotten shot in the face at close range.

I've never complained about this particular detail on my blog before

for fear that it can be interpreted as intolerance or racism.

I will write about it now with the disclaimer that it is not in

any way hateful, intolerant or racist.

It is geographical fact, my experience and how it has

effected me lately.

My bus to and from work goes through the Hood.

The worst neighbourhood in Toronto.

Gangs. Drugs. Crime.

Every weekend, someone gets shot.

It can be in the street waiting for a bus,

in an apartment building stairwell,

a neighbourhood convenience store or

even in a backyard during a party.

The commute over the last 2 days has me on the verge of

multiple anxiety/panic attacks.

I have to talk myself down.

What keeps me calm is knowing there is

no way I can risk getting off the bus in the Hood.

I know not everyone is bad.

I have seen enough bad on this route over the last 3 years to know

that there is enough bad that bad things happen to people

because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I thought that writing about this would be a release, but it has resulted in

my feeling very tense and agitated.

My options are limited.

I could try to find a new job closer to home, but isn't nuts to leave

a secure-as-it-can-be-job in this economy with Adam still out of work?

A car is not an option.

Moving closer to work is definitely not an option.

Maybe a Vespa next Spring?

Get fit enough over the winter to ride

my bike the 23kms each way?

This is why today,

every part of me that is kind, loving, accepting, empathetic,

joyful, optimistic, hopeful, calm, and tolerant was ripped from

my very being.

My coping mechanism?

Chocolate.

Since I have no chocolate I will

pop Harry Potter in the DVD player

and escape to Hogwarts.

On second thought, The Shire or Rivendell might be

the more relaxing choice.

I just might have to say a prayer

for the strength to cope

better than I have been as of late.

Tuesday Evening

I've had a rough day today.

Work was good. I was non-stop busy from the time I arrived

to the time I left.

I even caught the early bus from the office and from the subway station.

I made it home at a decent hour for a change.

It's been a rough day because I'm unsettled, antsy.

Brain is thinking too much.

I sat down in front of the TV and literally could not watch

more than 5 minutes of any one program.

With the new TV season starting, I wasn't sure of tonight's lineup.

I did watch Dancing With The Stars last night but not tonight.

My guess is George Clooney's ex should get the boot

or the giant basketball player.

The Biggest Loser started and I decided right then and there

that I could not sit in front of the TV for another

season and numb my brain.

I love Bob Harper, but I turned the TV off.

Plus, there is something about The Biggest Loser that

makes me want to eat ice cream.

 I put on a hoodie and some comfy shoes and

took Crockett for a walk.

We stuck to the main street as it seems like perfect

skunk weather. I saw a few around this time last year

just as it was getting dark out.

The very LAST thing I or Crockett needs is

to be sprayed by Pepe' Le Pew.

The only TV show that I will not miss is my beloved

The Big Bang Theory.

That show brings me so much pleasure it's hard to explain.

It's smart, it's funny, it's cute and I love Sheldon.

It's now a little past 9:00pm.

I'm starving and I don't know what to do with myself.

It would be nice to take a hot bath, make some porridge and go sleep.

Except for I'd have to give the tub a clean first and we're out

of milk. Can't have porridge without milk.

I guess I'll just throw Harry Potter in the DVD player

to slow down my mind and drift off to sleep.

Hypochondriac?

Every once in a while, if I'd get home early enough from work, I'd relax

on the couch & catch a bit of The Dr. Oz Show.

After watching a few episodes, I determined that watching him was in fact,

a hazard to my health. My mental health anyway.

hy·po·chon·dri·ac

An excessive preoccupation with and worry about one's health.

wor·ry

To torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret.

Is there a difference between a hypochondriac and someone that just worries too damn much?

How does worry & stress effect ones body?

I'm only hypochondriac-like when it comes

to my heart and it's all because of Dr. Oz.

It seems like every ache or pain on my upper left side be it in my back, my

neck, my arm, etc is a sign & symptom, according to Dr. Oz,

of a cardiac episode/issue/disease of some kind.

As a woman, with a full to-do list, I don't have time for illness.

Sometimes, when I don't feel well, I over-think, panic, and get myself so worked up

to the point where an anxiety attack is imminent.

I feel all the blood leave my extremities, my neck gets tight 

and I'm sure I'm seconds away from full cardiac arrest.

The odd thing, the really odd thing is sometimes, I completely

block out the aches and pains.

Then, the moment I am still , it's like my brain dam has been opened

and I can no longer ignore the way I feel, it again starts again.....

I over-think, panic, and get myself so worked up

to the point where an anxiety attack is imminent.
I feel all the blood leave my extremities, my neck gets tight 

and I'm sure I'm seconds away from full cardiac arrest.

So here are some facts:

We need a new bed.

I sleep on my left side & don't move alot while asleep.

I have bad posture.

I eat way too fast.

My desk at work is not ergonomic at all & I sit crooked all day.

I don't have enough core strength.

Arthritis is prominent on my maternal side.

These all could very well contribute to my aches & pains.

My left shoulder blade hurts.

My left shoulder socket is sore.

Skip this next bit if you find boob talk offensive, on occasion, my left boob aches.

I'm always tired and lack energy.

I suffer with depression & those commercials on TV are right....sometimes with

depression, everything just aches & you feel like, pardon my french, shit.

Also, I do have Sarcoidosis which, if my immune system is low, causes

inflammation of my lymph nodes by my heart and lungs so that can cause

pressure in my chest.

Here's the internal conversation;

Do I book an appt with the MD, take time off work, get sent for other tests that

will require more time off work only to be told 3 months from now that I'm fine, it's stress,

I need to find a way to relax.

-or-

Do I do nothing, wait until I have my annual physical (which is already booked for

Sept 27'11) and hope that I don't drop dead in the meantime from a cardiac

episode/issue/disease of some kind.

So, it is hypochondria?

Is it chronic worry?

I think, no, I know that what would ease my mind a bit.

I'd like to wake up in a villa by the ocean with clear water

and white sand where I could lounge on a chair in a sunny breeze,

dip my feet in the ocean, read a good book, and watch the sunset

with my beloved by my side. That would be so nice.

In lieu of our tropical paradise vacation, I just really need to find somewhere quiet.

I'd like to meditate but it's just not quiet enough here in my

little space in the world.

Chaos

Really the best way to explain the state of

our apartment today is "chaos".

Wednesday & Thursday we had the dry wall/paint guy here

doing work in both the kitchen and living room.

The jobs were bigger than anticipated so he

has to come back and finish Tuesday. 

 

We are also getting a new kitchen floor next week, so until then,

our fridge is in Adam's fortress of solitude and a portion

of our counter top and pots & pans cabinet is in the living room.

It is amazing how difficult it has become to even make

myself a cup of tea.

The kettle was in the living room, the tea in a kitchen cabinet

and I had to get the milk from Adam's office.

It seems almost easier to put on my boots & coat

and walk down to Starbucks.

I think for my Saturday morning cuppa I'll do just that.

When the apartment is messy, so is my mind

and it shuts me down.

I know will never be a hoarder.

I spent the day in a living room with no curtains and it

is amazing how a panel of material can change so drastically

my level of security.

Not exactly the plan for the first long weekend of the season,

but I am incredibly thankful that these jobs are finally

being done in our apartment.

I'm sure when our lease come up for renewal,

it will be reflected  :(

Not The Best Day Ever

I've had a tough past few weeks.

I haven't been feeling very good.

Today, on my way home from work, on the bus, this happened;

A panic attack is a period of incredibly intense, often temporarily debilitating, sense of extreme fear or psychological distress, typically of abrupt onset. Though it is often a purely terrifying feeling to the sufferer, panic attacks are actually an evolutionary body response often known as the fight-or-flight response occurring out of context. The most common symptoms may include trembling, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, chest pain (or chest tightness), sweating, nausea, dizziness (or slight vertigo), light-headedness, hyperventilation, paresthesias (tingling sensations), and sensations of choking, smothering and dreamlike and disconnected sensations. During a panic attack, the body typically releases large amounts of adrenaline into the bloodstream. First time panic attacks are usually one of the worst experiences of a person's life. Typically, first time sufferers of a panic attack truly believe they are dying, going insane or having a heart attack.

Cherry Vanilla, My Fake Plant & 3 Boobs

I tried this Cherry Vanilla Pepsi today & was disappointed.

It tasted more like Vanilla than Cherry.  I guess if I want a Cherry Soda

I should buy a jar of Maraschino Cherries & make my own.

That is also a fake plant on my desk. 

There's not enough natural light for a real plant to survive.

Apparently, it's ok for people but not plants. Can you say S.A.D?

While watching Big Bang Theory (love Sheldon) this evening,

I said to Adam, " I wish the commercials weren't so loud."

His response was, " I wish you had 3 tits like the chick in Total Recall."