Is It Really Only Tuesday?

Although I am grateful for every day, I just wish I could close my eyes and the next 2 months would pass. I want to wake up tomorrow morning and have it be June 1st.  I have nothing against April or May, I love Spring. I'm just having a tough time as of late and my coping skills aren't what they once were.

I feel like that little mouse in a running wheel. I'm forever running and going nowhere. I've been getting  into these funks when life gets tough, which seems to be more and more lately.  I get worried when I find myself thinking, "Is this as good as it gets? Will it be like this forever?" I don't want to lose hope. Hope is huge. The pisser of it all is that what I crave is simplicity. Not ignorance, not burying my head in the sand, just simplicity. It shouldn't be this hard. I don't have big dreams. I don't dream of owning possessions. I don't care what kind of car the Jones's drive and if I won the lottery, I wouldn't buy an Elvis bust made of gold.

I think it's days like today where people of faith have one up.  I wish I had blind faith. I wish I was certain that there is a God and that He has a plan for me. That I could take comfort in that. Instead, I'll cope as best as I can. Laugh as much as I can. Kiss and hug my husband as much as I can. Spend time with my parents. Find solace in the face and snorts of a happy Pug as I take him for walks and remind myself that this too shall pass. 

I think I need chocolate. That'll make me feel better!

The Last 24 Hours Or So

I took a vacation day yesterday in hopes that the weather would still be above seasonal.  I'd planned for Adam & I to take a nice long walk along the trail to Sunnybrook.  When I woke up, it was raining.


As my plans were not able to be put into action, I hopped on the train & went to Mississauga to hang with my parents and do a bit of grocery shopping. It is CRAZY the difference in food prices from my neighborhood here in Toronto & Port Credit.  Crockett's food alone is a $0.40 difference per can for the exact same item!

Why are my Dad's hands in his pockets?  Don't know. Pretty intense glare. I don't think I'd done or said anything wrong!

This is taken from my parents balcony.  I used to live in the circled building on the Lakeshore in Port Credit, on the 17th floor facing North. My parents & I could exchange light signals if need be.  I moved to Toronto when I met my beloved.  I miss Port Credit. It is as close to home as I've felt since I left Dorval.  Plus, the lake and parks and shopping are great.  You can walk to everything and it still has that village feel. There's a library, arena, everything you need.  Port Credit is a little piece of heaven within Mississauga.  I want to move back there.  We had the opportunity to get an apartment in my old bldg on the 17th floor again, facing South...the lake!  Perfection!  The sunlight alone is worth it.  My beloved does not want to move. He wants to stay in Toronto. He dislikes high rises. He doesn't like cookie cutter square apartments with parquet floors.  Crap. This is truly the biggest compromise I've had to make in my married life.  He has said that he would  move to Port Credit if we can find an apartment similar to what we have here. The search is on.

 Lady sitting comfortably in chair talking on the phone.  Man in the kitchen doing dishes.  What is this magic?

My brother came out to my parents place this morning. He bought them some goodies from Costco and a big plant.  Score for me, I got a lift home.  My brother looks like he belongs in The Matrix.

When I got home I grabbed Crockett to go for a walk. My 1st stop was to get a cup of coffee.  When I came out of the store, Crockett had company.

Happy Pug sniffing trees. Happy Mommy sipping coffee.  The blue nail polish is a Capitol color.  I got it in anticipation of seeing The Hunger Games this weekend!

The tops of these trees are alive with song.  The birds are happy as can be today and they're doing what they need to do before the rain starts.

Walking with purpose and joy.

This made me think of The Beatles.  They should have written a song about a Pug surrounded by flowers.

I truly feel that Crockett is happiest when out for walks.  I swear he is smiling!

Now, it is time for me to go poke the bear and have a cuddle.  I want my husband to get out of bed and take me out on a date to see a movie.

Photos....YAY

My Father In Law is a kind soul and gave me a camera since mine had bit the dust. It felt so nice to leave the house this morning with a camera in my pocket like I had done for almost a year, up until a month ago.

I still have to read the Instruction Manual and figure out the settings.  These are a few shots using the Scene Recognition Mode.

First barefeet in the grass of the year.  I was wearing a KISS t-shirt, sweatpants & Crocs. I felt like I was on an episode of Trailer Park Boys. It was a walk in the park that I hoped I wouldn't bump into any familiar faces.

I don't know why Crockett's hind legs are so far apart. His snout is going so grey so fast. Our boy is almost 8 years old!

I love these. They last through the winter & come alive again in the spring. They almost look rubbery. They hold droplets of dew and look like the belong in a fish tank.

A view of our building from the park through the trees.  This park, or backyard, alone makes living in the heart of the city worth it.

Crockett likes to tinkle on the wonky tree. I've said it before, this part of the park reminds me of the path out of the Shire where the Hobbits see the first Black Rider.

So...extra thanks to my Father In Law for this thoughtful and appreciated gift.  I just might have to get back to my Project 365 :)

My Day Started With Sadness

Yesterday when I arrived at work, there was a bird in the office.  A Starling.  Poor dear thing.  I had no idea if he'd been trapped all weekend or just since the morning.  I seemed to terrify him and he was trying to escape by bumping into the skylight.  Before I did anything, I put some bread on the floor. He didn't eat it.

We only have 2 skylights and the poor thing was bumping into all the beams. This is the skylight he was trying to escape from. I took this photo a while ago to show my Mom my only source of natural light as I sit at my desk.

I tried for about 30 minutes to get him cornered so I could get him into a box. I failed.  We called over the Whse Mgr to come but I feared he'd hurt him.  Turns out little birdie found a way to get through the ceiling from one office to another & he disappeared into the wall.

I feared that birdie either committed suicide or was going to stay in hiding for the rest of the day.  I left the office with a sense of sadness that I didn't see him fly free.

This morning I walked up the stairs and nothing. No noise, no bird poop anywhere, so I began my day.  When my boss got in, she went into the office next door and called me.  Birdie was dead.  He was laying on the floor in a corner.  Poor love.  He probably had been inside for too long without food or water.  Sadly he hadn't eaten the bread I'd left & I don't think he could figure out how to drink from a toilet.

I have decided that next time I am out shopping I am going to go to ToysRUs or a dollar store & buy a butterfly net to keep in the office in case this happens again.

I picked up birdie on a piece of cardboard, put him in a bag & advised the Whse Mgr (who didn't show up yesterday to try and save him) that he had a bird corpse to pick up.  When I left the office this afternoon, poor birdie was still where I'd left him. I am going to go in early tomorrow morning & bury him in the front flower bed.

I find it sad that other people didn't think it was sad. After all it was just a bird. Just a bird? Ugh. I know now why I prefer animals to most humans.

Me

I don't find I photograph well.

There are only a few photos of me that Adam truly likes and this is one of them so, I am sharing. 


I had just dyed my hair a dark brown, cut my bangs a bit too short, and I was wearing lipstick. I think the lipstick is what gave this shot the edge.

Titanic

Today, I am having a relaxing "do what I want" kind of day.  As I sit here, Crockett is snoozing and snoring behind me and Adam is out in the living room watching the 70's cult classic Brian De Palma's Phantom of the Paradise.

I have read and am up to date with all my favorite blogs, funnies, Twitter, Facebook, and am thoroughly enjoying the bright afternoon and cool breeze coming through my open window. I have Titanic on in the background with the volume up pretty high due to my open window. I felt like spending some time with Jack & Rose and having a good cry.

No matter how many times I watch this film, I cry. I cry when Rose dies and they go through all the photos of her life. The things she & Jack spoke of, the things they said they'd do. Then when he's waiting for her at the top of the stairs by the clock....I lose it.  I also tear up when I hear My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion. I truly am an emotional girl.

Talk about emotions, I saw this photo in a magazine and it took me right back to the house I grew up in.

We had these awesome lamps in both the kitchen and the dining room.  I wish I'd had the thought to take them with us when we moved.  I would love to have this in my living room.  I'm a 70's furniture lover and if I could, I'd decorate our whole living room with 70's pieces.

I am so much into 70's orange lately that I even got a manicure in an orange shade.

Maybe one weekend now the weather is nice, Adam & I will have to take a stroll along Queen St and go into all the funky furnite stores. It's fun to window shop & spends thousands of imaginary dollars.

I also feel a little better today as I did hear some news from work.  I knew something was up. Women's intuition? Who knows.  I've been told that there are some changes coming sooner than later and that at the moment, I'm safe.  I've heard that before and it is scary but I'm trying, really trying, to not worry about things that have yet to happen. It's tough, but, I'm trying.

It's getting a bit too cool in here, time to put on a sweater.  I'll cuddle with Crockett & enjoy the rest of the film.

I love lazy Sundays.

Crockett and the Birds

Our Crockett is a sweet loving Pug who likes to go on walks in the park, sleep, eat, take baths, cuddle, get his belly tickled, and rub his face into pillows.  He also likes Birds.

If we are indoors and he hears birds chirping from outside, on TV or in movies, he barks. When we are actually outside, he doesn't bark. He listens and he sniffs.

This 1st video I took of our walk this morning is a perfect example of that.

This second video, he was too interested in tinkling on the trees, but the Birds this morning sounded so happy. It made me happy.

I also saw the 1st hints of Spring today.

A delivery of mulch for the flower beds.

I saw my first and second Robin of the season, at the same time.

 

Some shots of green popping up here and there.

What A Sky!

This morning during my commute to work, the sky was amazing.  Since we turned the clocks forward, I am again starting my day out in the dark, before sunrise.

Looking South East it was a muted pink with brush stroke puffs of grey and looking North, it was dark and grey and moving and alive.  Our forecast today calls for a Thunder storm, which is unfortunate as we're supposed to be able to see Venus and Jupiter very clearly tonight. Let's hope it clears up by then.

By the time I arrived at work (7:45am) and got off the bus, every direction I looked they sky was different. The pink had turned to an eerie yellow. I ran into reception, grabbed our camera and I took all these shots standing in the same spot. I just rotated.

The Hunger Games - Catching Fire - Mockingjay

I have finished reading all 3 books by Suzanne Collins in her Hunger Games Trilogy. I have not read 3 books in such succession so quickly before.  What I wish I'd been able to do was lock myself away in a cozy nook for a week and just read all three together beginning to end.

Yes, it is Young Adult literature, I get that.  When I shared with a friend how much I was enjoying the story I got, " Aren't those books for teenagers?" Harry Potter certainly wasn't written with me in mind either but I love those stories. Even The Hobbit was originally written by Tolkien as a children's story.  The way I look at it is, if it is well written, if I enjoy it, if it is a story that makes me want to turn each page and, if I can imagine in my mind he world the author has created, who cares who the target audience is.

I remember a composition I wrote when I was in grade 3. I wish I still had it. I'm quite sure it was a complete rip off of a mixture of Simon in the Land of the Chalk Drawings and The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.  It had to do with going over the hedge in our backyard that resulted in entering a secret land.  I love these types of stories. I always have.

When I read The Philosophers Stone, the moment Hagrid took Harry through the back door of The Leaky Cauldron and tapped his umbrella/wand on the bricks to open the way to Diagon Alley, I was 10 years old again. When I saw the movie, I cried at that scene.  It was so perfect. So well done. Exactly as I saw it in my head as I was reading the book.  I think about some of my favorite books, TV shows and films childhood through adulthood:  The Secret Garden, Peter Pan, The Wizard of Oz, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Narnia, Mary Poppins, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, The Spiderwick Chronicles, Stardust, even The Land of the Lost.  The Hunger Games reminded me of these stories a little with Katniss and Gale going under the fence into the woods. Leaving the every day world  to go on an adventure.

Another thing I really like about the character of Katniss Everdeen was her sense of self and her strength.  If I had a young daughter I would be happy if she wanted to be like Katniss.  I even made Adam laugh when I mentioned that if he & I were to go to Comic-Con I would want to cosplay her.

I will admit right here and now, I read The Twilight series.  I enjoyed them for what they were.  What I enjoyed about them was it brought back the feeling of that first love we've all experienced.  When you're a teenage girl and everything revolves around the boy. I had my own Edward when I was a teenager.  He didn't sparkle or watch me sleep at night, but he did have blond hair and was pale ;) He was my everything.  What Stephanie Meyer did unfortunately was create a character who didn't evolve.  The casting of Kristen Stewart didn't help matters as that girl has two facial expressions;
1. Blank stare.
2. Blank stare while biting lip.


This photo and this quote from Stephen King really do say it best:

Source

"Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend." — Stephen King

I was sad to read the last page of Mockingjay. Luckily I do have the film The Hunger Games to look forward to opening next week.  So far the reviews are positive.  I'm looking forward to seeing The Capitol, Peeta's camouflage in the arena, and The Hob.

What I have to decide now is what to read next.

Be Warned...of the F Word

I had to post this photo.  I saw it today on 9gag and it made me laugh and feel good.

www.9gag.com

Melancholy

Today, the weather is beautiful. I had to take off my jacket on the way home. The sun is shining and there is a refreshing breeze.  The temperature right now at 6:30pm is 16 degrees.  I should want to put on my boots and take Crockett for a long walk. Sadly, I don't.

Melancholy has got a tight grasp on me today.  I have the feeling that at any moment I will start to cry uncontrollably.  It''ll probably make me feel better but I fear the post-cry headache and puffy eyes.

I feel lost. Security is a big thing for me and I don't know why, but lately I feel like I'm standing on a rug that is about to be ripped out from under me. It is a very creepy and scary feeling.

Add melancholy to these feelings and it's tough for me to want to do anything other than just sit somewhere quiet.  But living where I do, there is no quiet. There is always noise. So, what I have done, while I write this is put in my ear buds and listen to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

Thank goodness for Beethoven on a day like today.

What I Did Today

8:00am Woke up. Put glasses on, looked at clock, too early, fell back asleep.

10:00am Woke up. Went out to the living room (I'm at my parent's place this weekend) and had a bowl of Frosted Flakes. They're GREAT!

11:30am Woke up. I guess I'd fallen asleep on the couch.

12:00pm Made lunch with my Mom. Tuna & Cucumber sandwich.

2:00pm Woke up. I guess I'd fallen asleep on the couch while Mom was doing her Soduko (her addiction).

2:00pm - 3:00pm Watched a True Crime story on A&E

3:00pm Turned the channel to Golf

4:30pm Woke up. I guess I'd fallen asleep on the couch while Mom watched the Golf.

5:30pm Woke up. I guess I'd fallen asleep on the couch. Started making supper with my Mom when my Dad hollered from the other room.  He had fallen asleep & spilled his glass of red wine on the couch/bed. Did 2 loads of laundry to get the wine out

6:00pm Ate yummy Curry supper.

6:30pm Took laundry out of the dryer.

7:40pm Woke up. I guess I'd fallen asleep on the couch.

8:00pm Watched The Fifth Estate about OxyContin. Interesting

9:00pm - 11:00pm Switched back & forth between the Michael Caine movie Zulu (soooo bad) and the Phantom of the Opera.

11:15 Dad changed the clock, I put some Voltarin cream on my Mom's back and heated her up some milk to have after she finishes her physiotherapy prescribed excercises.

What time is it now? 11:51pm or 12:51am?

I will stay up long enough to check out the new http://www.postsecret.com/ and then go to bed, thing is, I'm not tired!

The Hobbit: Peter Jackson's Sixth Video Blog from the Set

Some Whine

I feel a bit lost without my camera.  I miss it. It is interesting how differently I see the world when I’m holding it, I am more aware of the world around me. 

I’ve come to realize that I walk with my head down. I don’t notice people.  Hugh Jackman could walk by me and I wouldn’t notice. Am I looking for treasures that have fallen out of pockets? Admiring my shoes? Avoiding cracks? One exception, I do notice dogs.

I’m also out of sorts as I’ve lost sole occupancy of my little nook, my corner, my haven, to Adam.  He is again suffering, and I do mean suffering, as his computer has gone wonky A G A I N. This time, it won’t power up. Nothing sends my beloved into a tizzy more than computer issues. 

Adam treats his music CD’s like they’re gold, but he treats his computer poorly.  I treat my DVD’s poorly and my laptop like it’s gold. So, there’s tension.  I fear what would be found under the keys on his keyboard. He eats at his desk. His mouse is revolting and covered with hot sauce. Sometimes the wheel doesn’t move and you have to click a little harder.  I will eat while at my desk but WHAT we eat is different.

For example, yesterday upon my arrival home, I went to check my e-mail & there was something syrupy and sticky on my desk near the mouse. I called Adam in with my “wtf bitch tone” and asked what it was.  I got the blank stare. No words. Then I figured it out. I recently bought Blueberry Eggo Waffles.  “Is this syrup?” I gasped with disbelief. “Who eats waffles while online?”

Geez.

I’ve also been more aware this year that I really should hibernate during the month of February. It is awful and I have been miserable. Although our winter has been snow-free, it’s been all over the place.  Yesterday is was -11 with the wind chill.  Today it’s +15. The apartment is either too hot or too cold. I’m not dressed warm enough or I’m sweating like a cochon.  I’ve also recently got what I call an old lady affliction in that the second I step out into any type of breeze, my eyes water. Not just a bit, but tears run down my cheeks. 

This morning, I didn’t leave home in the dark.  It has started to get lighter earlier and stay lighter longer, which is great. It actually elevates my mood. But still, my funk remains. I try to stay positive, but some days, it just doesn’t cut it. Sure, there are people worse off than me, but at the moment when I feel like shit, it doesn’t help me with my day as I find myself thinking that there are also people better off than me.

Last Friday I had set my alarm earlier than normal as I was going to go to my parents straight from work.  I needed the extra time to pack a few things and get to work a bit earlier so I could leave bang on at 4:00pm.  For WHATEVER reason, it did NOT go off.  I woke up cause I was dreaming.  I don’t dream during the week. I only dream if I’m late and more often than not, I dream about being late. Well, I had enough time to brush my teeth, run my fingers through my hair, and run out the door.  The bus was coming so I ran to the stop.  I would have to come home from work before heading out to Mississauga. I added 3 hours of bus travel to my life. YAY.

While on the subway, I realized I had forgotten something at home I needed for work. I made a pro/con list in my head & decided I’d deal with the consequence and continue on to work.  When I got up to Finch Station to transfer from the subway to my bus, I stopped at Tim Hortons for my coffee as I always do.  When I got to the platform, I sat down on a bench to sort myself out, put away my hat, scarf & gloves and get out my mp3 player.  When I sat down, something felt wrong. It was too cold, just not right.  I reached down between my thighs and….my pants had ripped. The right leg, 2 inches below my ass, right across the back. I could feel the breeze. I felt like sliding off the bench and crawling under it in the fetal position for a good cry.  Instead, I walked with my back to the wall, got on the bus last and hoped I’d get to the office without my fellow commuters seeing my lady bits.

Thankfully I keep a long black cardigan at work. I wrapped it around my waist & no one knew of my extreme discomfort.  Seriously, this is honestly another case where my sense of humor has saved me.

I will continue to ride out this funk by escaping into books and films, classical music, buying 6/49 & Loto Max tickets with optimism, and appreciating my sense of humor. 

Funky Town.

I have sat here in front of this screen, cursor flashing,

with a million things in my mind that I'd like to write about but

just can't seem to organize my thoughts.

 I have some rather large life decisions to make.

I am overwhelmed.

My mind is too busy, I need to clear it, slow it down.

 Tomorrow, I will allocate 30 minutes

for free writing.

If that doesn't work, I don't know what will.

Should be interesting.