Forgiveness

There are so many quotes about forgiveness. They are all pretty much as follows:

“Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves to get well and move on.”  Or “Forgiveness doesn’t excuse the behaviour; forgiveness prevents the behaviour from destroying your heart.”

Here’s what Wikipedia say about it;

Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.^[1][2] The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'. The concept and benefits of forgiveness have been explored in religious thought, the social sciences and medicine. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives including forgiving themselves, in terms of the person forgiven or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In some contexts, forgiveness may be granted without any expectation of restorative justice, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is incommunicado or dead). In practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender to offer some form of acknowledgment, apology or restitution, or even just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe himself able to forgive.^[1]

Most world religions include teachings on the nature of forgiveness, and many of these teachings provide an underlying basis for many varying modern day traditions and practices of forgiveness. Some religious doctrines or philosophies place greater emphasis on the need for humans to find some sort of divine forgiveness for their own shortcomings, others place greater emphasis on the need for humans to practice forgiveness of one another, yet others make little or no distinction between human and divine forgiveness.

I have issue with the word. For me personally, I don’t feel everything is forgivable.

There are things that people have done to me that I do not forgive, nor will I ever, but I have been able to deal with it, heal and move on.  Being able to forgive for me is not synonymous with healing. Plus, not all people deserve forgiveness.

I, for the most part, am a passive aggressive person. I grew up in a household with the standard sibling fighting and disagreements.  I was a younger sister to an older stubborn “had to have the last word” brother so I learned at an early age that to have peace, I needed to just back off and let the other guy have his way.  Don’t rock the boat.

Don’t hurt anyone’s feelings. I will however, stand up loud and proud if someone I love is wronged or harmed in any way. I am not a carpet…..I am an area rug! ;)

My parents have never fought or yelled or screamed at each other. They never spoke to each other with disrespect and as far as being a team, my Dad knew that if I was asking him for something, it meant I’d already asked my Mom & she said no. They were on the same page.  If my Mom said no, it meant no. It was no use asking multiple times, the answer would remain no.  She also said yes a lot, but I knew clearly what I was allowed to and not to do.  I knew how I was expected to behave and how I was to treat people.

My upbringing, my morals and values and the adult I have become reflects why I have issue with the word forgiveness.  I feel people should be accountable for their words and actions.  There are things that are to me, unforgivable no matter who you are. It took me a very long time in life to learn how to say the word NO, without guilt or explanation. It took me the same length of time to know that if I choose to not have someone in my life because they have done something that to me is unforgiveable, that’s ok too.

One person, who I deem unforgiveable, once responded to me when I called him unethical with, ‘it’s better to ask for forgiveness than for permission’.  I found that abhorrent and deplorable. That to me is someone who knows they are in the wrong, acts anyway with the knowledge that if they get caught, they’ll ask forgiveness and if they don’t get caught, great.

I also have great issue with people who lie. Lie to take advantage of you for their own gain or just to be cruel or just because it’s easier than telling the truth. I don’t even like little white lies or fibs. A lie is a lie is a lie. I’ve always said I would rather be hurt with the truth than deceived by a lie. What’s that other saying, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”  Lies to me erode trust. If there isn’t trust, there’s nothing.

I also deem bullying unforgiveable.  In my opinion, people who bully are themselves insecure, unsure, have no moral compass, and have a warped sense of reality

along with low self esteem.  It’s always easier to try to make someone feel as bad as they do rather than work on themselves to feel better. People who bully do not know how to feel empathy or look at the world through any lens but their own.

The internet has also provided the opportunity for people to have incredibly bad judgement. I would never write anything in an e-mail to anyone or anything on a post about anyone that I wouldn’t be comfortable standing in front of them and saying to their face.

I am not riding a moral high horse.  I don’t feel that I am better than anyone else. I just feel that with all the struggles people go through day after day, the world would be a better place if people were nicer to each other. If people aren’t nice to me for reasons I’ve stated above, I am finally at a point in my life where I can say, without justification or guilt or feeling bad, that I don’t want people like that in my life. I can cut you off and never look back. I can heal, feel good about myself and know that I’ve made the right decision for me, without having to forgive.