Seriously!

I’ve always known, or at least felt, like my calling in life was to be in the medical field.

I have never had so much personal/career fulfillment as I did when I was working at a job

that resulted in people being able to do their dialysis in the comfort of their own homes.

Sadly, after 10 years, ownership of the company changed and so did the focus of the

business.  I mourned the loss of the life I had. I loved that job and the people I worked with. It defined me. My heart was heavy for a long time and I did go through the 5 stages of grief.

An odd thing about me is that although I am a very emotional person I am able to hold myself together, on the outside anyway, in times of great stress and chaos. Almost as if the more difficult the situation, the stronger I become.  For this reason as well, I thought I was well suited for disaster relief work.  Add in my ability to empathize with people and I often ask myself, “Why is it exactly I’m working for a candle and home fragrance importer?”

Circumstances at times take precedence over ambition. I don’t know why, but even now as I write the word ambition, it seems like a bad word, a selfish word.

Would I love to go back to school full time? Yes. Is that a possibility right now? No as I am currently the sole provider. Unless Adam gets a kick ass job, we win the lottery or I find some crazy rich benefactor who is willing to pay my rent, utilities, groceries and tuition without expecting sexual favors and/or companionship in return, I am, as they say, S.O.L. Have I made excuses in the past when I could have taken night courses? Yes. Do I regret it? Yes, very much so. Do I feel like the last 10 years have flown by? Yes.  Last night I was talking to Adam and I told him that I feeling like I’m devolving. Like I’m becoming less and less of the person I know I can and should be because I’m just so tired all the time.  Mid-life crisis? Perhaps, but I honestly feel more like it is the 15-20 hours a week I am spending commuting to work on public transit that is sucking my soul and energy out of me. But I digress…….

As strong as I get, seeing loved ones in pain or sick is, I fear, my kryptonite. That along with my worry gene and I am rendered useless.  To be clear, I am an incredibly lucky person. I am 43 years old and my parents and other people I love and consider family are all healthy. I’ve never had to deal with debilitating disease or sickness.

My Adam has Epilepsy. He takes medication daily. In all our time together, he has had 3 seizures. Thankfully, each less severe than the last. Unfortunately, I was not present for the last one that occurred on Wednesday. This poor man will now have to put up with a wife who panics every time I hear a loud noise.  When I hear any loud bangs, I picture him seizing and going through a coffee table like Peter Griffin. Thankfully, nothing bad happened and he is fine.

Adam told me about his Epilepsy right when we started dating. Me being me, I did research so that I’d be prepared if he were to seize.  One of the pamphlets I got was hilarious and we still joke about it today.  In it, it said, “Epilepsy doesn’t effect the ability to love or be loved.”  Does any disease or ailment? Seriously.

We had been living together for awhile when one morning Adam came downstairs after sleeping late. He looked really really tired. He had heavy eyes. He said he was tired. He sat down on the couch & I got up to go to the kitchen when I heard an odd noise. I turned around and there he was, seizing on the couch.  I did everything I was supposed to. I moved anything that he could hurt himself on away. I went behind the couch and protected his head from hitting anything.  He had told me in discussions earlier to not call an ambulance, to let him have the seizure. I was doing ok. Then, his lips turned blue and he was struggling and gasping for breath. His arms were moving like he was underwater trying to surface to breathe.  Nothing I’d read said anything anywhere about lips turning blue! This was where I freaked out, started to cry & called 911 scared that my boyfriend was dying.

As I was talking to the 911 operator, his seizure ended. He looked right at me and right through me, then said, “Get someone”. The guilt I felt for not calling the ambulance sooner was more than I could bear. Thank goodness for where we were living, the ambulance was there before I got off the phone.

This was when the oddest experience I’ve ever had in my life occurred. Adam’s memory was wonky. They asked him a few questions and his answers floored me.

Do you know where you are?

No.

What’s the date?

May, 1975.

Are you with anyone?

Ya, I’m with the kid.

In the ambulance on the way to the hospital he looked at me no different to the way he looked at the attendant. He had no idea who I was. It took him almost an hour to come around. Scary.  Then he slept like a bear in hibernation for 2 days.

If it was a stranger having that seizure, I would have been the person in control. I would have remained calm, I would have known what to do and what to expect. I would’ve been able to write a detailed report afterwards.

Is it love that alters my coping mechanism during a crisis?  Who knows?  What I do know is that I am madly in love with my husband and it kills me to see him in pain or sick AND I should be doing something with my days that is helping people versus importing goods from China to make their homes smell like lavender or vanilla!

Walk In The Park After Dark

Yesterday was a day of worry.

As I laid my head on my pillow, Adam and Crockett

were both beside me sleeping like babies and

I was able to go to sleep with a calm mind.

When I got home it was starting to get dark.

I grabbed Crockett for a walk in the park before it got too dark.

I took photos of plants and bushes with the flash on.

They came out well and I love the colors.

 This one above is my favorite shot.

After I stopped looking through the camera, I realized it was too dark

and we needed to get out of the park!

The temperature last night was perfect!

Ten On Wednesday

1. What is your guaranteed weeping movie?

Steel Magnolias. At Shelby's funeral when M'Lynn (Sally Field) starts to cry & says she can run to Texas, but her daughter can't. Breaks my heart every time. I like Sally Field. I really like her.

2. What is the one thing you like to do alone?

I am fine doing anything alone.  I've gone to movies alone. At times it's nice to be alone, but I also realize I'm very lucky that I have Adam & my parents and people I enjoy spending time with and I don't have to be alone.

3. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?

Yes. I try to always be polite. To be mean or cruel is ignorant. Be nice or be quiet.

4. Would you die to save the life of someone you dearly love?

Yes. My list is incredibly short, but yes.

5. Are you happy with your given name?

I don't feel anything about it good or bad.  I wasn't named after anyone in particular. It's just a name.

6. Describe your bed.

Currently unmade and always uncomfortable. A new bed is on the "one day" list.

7. How do you eat an apple?

With a knife. Peel it & cut it into slices or baked with brown sugar & cinnamon.

8. Does everything happen for a reason?

No. Sometimes random good things happen and sometimes random shit happens.

9. What's on your bedroom floor right now?

Messy, messy, messy. Too many pairs of shoes & laundry to be done.

10. Do you wear the seat belt in the car?

Always. Not to judge, but if you don't, you're an asshole.

Happy Halloween

The Zombie Song -- Stephanie Mabey

Forgiveness

There are so many quotes about forgiveness. They are all pretty much as follows:

“Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves to get well and move on.”  Or “Forgiveness doesn’t excuse the behaviour; forgiveness prevents the behaviour from destroying your heart.”

Here’s what Wikipedia say about it;

Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.^[1][2] The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'. The concept and benefits of forgiveness have been explored in religious thought, the social sciences and medicine. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives including forgiving themselves, in terms of the person forgiven or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In some contexts, forgiveness may be granted without any expectation of restorative justice, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is incommunicado or dead). In practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender to offer some form of acknowledgment, apology or restitution, or even just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe himself able to forgive.^[1]

Most world religions include teachings on the nature of forgiveness, and many of these teachings provide an underlying basis for many varying modern day traditions and practices of forgiveness. Some religious doctrines or philosophies place greater emphasis on the need for humans to find some sort of divine forgiveness for their own shortcomings, others place greater emphasis on the need for humans to practice forgiveness of one another, yet others make little or no distinction between human and divine forgiveness.

I have issue with the word. For me personally, I don’t feel everything is forgivable.

There are things that people have done to me that I do not forgive, nor will I ever, but I have been able to deal with it, heal and move on.  Being able to forgive for me is not synonymous with healing. Plus, not all people deserve forgiveness.

I, for the most part, am a passive aggressive person. I grew up in a household with the standard sibling fighting and disagreements.  I was a younger sister to an older stubborn “had to have the last word” brother so I learned at an early age that to have peace, I needed to just back off and let the other guy have his way.  Don’t rock the boat.

Don’t hurt anyone’s feelings. I will however, stand up loud and proud if someone I love is wronged or harmed in any way. I am not a carpet…..I am an area rug! ;)

My parents have never fought or yelled or screamed at each other. They never spoke to each other with disrespect and as far as being a team, my Dad knew that if I was asking him for something, it meant I’d already asked my Mom & she said no. They were on the same page.  If my Mom said no, it meant no. It was no use asking multiple times, the answer would remain no.  She also said yes a lot, but I knew clearly what I was allowed to and not to do.  I knew how I was expected to behave and how I was to treat people.

My upbringing, my morals and values and the adult I have become reflects why I have issue with the word forgiveness.  I feel people should be accountable for their words and actions.  There are things that are to me, unforgivable no matter who you are. It took me a very long time in life to learn how to say the word NO, without guilt or explanation. It took me the same length of time to know that if I choose to not have someone in my life because they have done something that to me is unforgiveable, that’s ok too.

One person, who I deem unforgiveable, once responded to me when I called him unethical with, ‘it’s better to ask for forgiveness than for permission’.  I found that abhorrent and deplorable. That to me is someone who knows they are in the wrong, acts anyway with the knowledge that if they get caught, they’ll ask forgiveness and if they don’t get caught, great.

I also have great issue with people who lie. Lie to take advantage of you for their own gain or just to be cruel or just because it’s easier than telling the truth. I don’t even like little white lies or fibs. A lie is a lie is a lie. I’ve always said I would rather be hurt with the truth than deceived by a lie. What’s that other saying, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”  Lies to me erode trust. If there isn’t trust, there’s nothing.

I also deem bullying unforgiveable.  In my opinion, people who bully are themselves insecure, unsure, have no moral compass, and have a warped sense of reality

along with low self esteem.  It’s always easier to try to make someone feel as bad as they do rather than work on themselves to feel better. People who bully do not know how to feel empathy or look at the world through any lens but their own.

The internet has also provided the opportunity for people to have incredibly bad judgement. I would never write anything in an e-mail to anyone or anything on a post about anyone that I wouldn’t be comfortable standing in front of them and saying to their face.

I am not riding a moral high horse.  I don’t feel that I am better than anyone else. I just feel that with all the struggles people go through day after day, the world would be a better place if people were nicer to each other. If people aren’t nice to me for reasons I’ve stated above, I am finally at a point in my life where I can say, without justification or guilt or feeling bad, that I don’t want people like that in my life. I can cut you off and never look back. I can heal, feel good about myself and know that I’ve made the right decision for me, without having to forgive.

58 Years Ago Today

My parents have been married for 58 years!



Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad.



They're still stylin'!

Love

Adam and I, most likely as all married couples do,

have a motion we make from afar that signifies "I Love You".

To onlookers we probably look like bad Mimes.

It was my birthday yesterday.

I received phone calls, snail mail and e-mail

birthday wishes.

I am a lucky girl.

Adam, since our 1st exchange of cards on Valentines Day 2003,

has a gift of selecting the perfect card for any occasion.

He also writes heart felt lovely messages.

I've often said he should write greeting cards.

Well, yesterday, he made me my card.

It is my all time favourite card from him

and I keep cards forever.

I thought about it a few times today & every time, it made me smile.

I'll share the outside.

I love it!

I somehow want to work this family portrait into

a Christmas Card.

Either that or I'll have it framed.

It is so dear.

Crockett is perfect!



Ten On Wednesday

I got this questionnaire from Sam's Blog.  

The questions are alphabetical. 

I love finding fun questionnaires to do for my Wednesday posts.

Age: 43 today. Certainly don’t feel it.

Bed size: Queen. I think a King is too big.

Chores that you hate: Picking up the dust bin after sweeping.

Dogs:  Crockett the Pug.  Past Lovelies I miss like the dickens: Max the PBGV, Sheba the Daschund Lab Mix, Candy the Boxer Chow Chow Mix. I was too young to remember anything about and Jane the Boxer except for her pushing me down the stairs. It was my fault. I’m sure I was messing around about her face.

Essential to start your day: Hot cup of tea or coffee.

Favourite color: No favourite. I like the Fall color palette best – oranges and browns.

Gold or silver: White gold.

Height: 5'9"

Instruments you play: When I was a kid, it all started with the Recorder. Then Grade 6, it was the Ukulele. High School…kick ass Trumpet! I want to add more to this list. I'd love to learn how to play the Guitar, Piano & Cello.

Job title: Logistics Administrator

Kids: None  

Live: Toronto

Mothers name: Jean

Nicknames: None  

Overnight hospital stays: Two Hospital stays when I was young for the Croup.

Pet peeves:  Ignorance, cruelty to animals.

Quote from a movie or TV show:  “Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode” Don’t ask me why, I always say this with Jeff Probst.

Right or lefty: Right, but left if need be. I’m ambidextrous.

Soda:  Diet Coke. Too much of it.

Time you wake up:  Too early. However, lately, my sleeping is off. If I sit down anywhere at any time and close my eyes, I’m done for.  

Underwear:  Always. Sensible, cotton and comfortable. In this category, I reflect my age and marital status!

Vegetable you hate: Brussel Sprouts

What makes you run late: Hitting the snooze button a few too many times.

X-rays you've had: Head (When Jane the Boxer pushed me down the stairs. I was little and I still remember it clear as day. Mom said they needed a few folks to hold me down. I remember the grey foam bricks they used on either side of my head to try to keep me still.), Chest, Boobies (Mammogram), Collar Bone. That’s all I can remember.

Yummy food you make: Spaghetti.  

Zoo animal: Giraffes



My Test Results

I took a few different personality tests based

on the same theory to see if the results matched & they did.

I'm an ISFJ.

Interesting.

Here is one of the ISFJ summaries.

Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
by Marina Margaret Heiss

ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life. (Since ISFJs, like all SJs, are very much bound by the prevailing social conventions, their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical.)

ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). (And as low-profile Is, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.) Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses.

In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others. ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. They are capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties; if someone they've bonded with in this way leaves the company, the ISFJ will leave with them, if given the option.

Traditional careers for an ISFJ include: teaching, social work, most religious work, nursing, medicine (general practice only), clerical and and secretarial work of any kind, and some kinds of administrative careers.
While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection. Being SJs, they place a strong emphasis on conventional behavior (although, unlike STJs, they are usually as concerned with being "nice" as with strict propriety); if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment (a fact which many of their teenage children take gleeful advantage of). Over time, however, ISFJs usually mellow, and learn to regard the culprits as harmless eccentrics :-). Needless to say, ISFJs take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones--although strong Js may tend to focus more on what the recipient should want rather than what they do want.

Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.) Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners." An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem.

Daddy Long Legs

As I was finishing up making dinner Adam came into the

kitchen and said, "Look at that!"

I turned around and saw this bad boy crawling up the wall.

I coaxed him into a jug and put him outside on the window ledge.

It made me think of this video I saw last week.

Every time I watch it, he makes me laugh.

I forever will say Daddy Long Legs with a German accent.