Me

I really do have a disconnect between what I see when I look in the mirror and what I see in a photograph.

This is me.  Healthier me than the me I was previously. This makes me proud of myself.

Lately I've Been...

Feeling: Completely out of sorts, lost, without purpose.  I experienced a bump in the road (understatement) in my happy, fulfilling, meaningful career life in 2003 and I have never truly fully recovered. I am still bitter and will always be.  If you love what you do, it's not work? Well now, I work.

Watching: I was watching a lot of nature and science shows during the free preview of Oasis HD and the Smithsonian channels.  Prehistoric Sharks are fascinating.  Sadly, the previews are over and I'm not too keen on adding $20 to an already too high cable bill.

Thinking About: Tiny Houses.  I really want to do this.  I want to build a tiny house. Park it on a piece of property. Grow vegetables.  Live simply. Click here to go to a site I love called Tiny House Blog.  I just have to figure out a way to get the Mr. on board.

Listening To: I changed the radio station in the kitchen after a December filled with Christmas music 24/7 to Q107 Classic Rock.  It has been a nice change and has reinforced my belief that, outside a few talented individuals, the 70's was the last decade that real music was created.

Laughing About: Mostly inappropriate jokes on The Daily Show.  I have said before that it is my sense of humor that has saved me.  It really has.

Reading:  The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.  I'm only 27 pages in and I'm enjoying it. My eyes have been a bit better lately and I've been able to read on my way to and from work.

Drinking: More tea, less Diet Coke.

Eating:  Red Velvet Muffins (cupcakes - who are they kidding) from Tim Horton's. This must stop.

Loving: That I've been getting good quality sleep lately, with some awesome dreams.

Missing:  Max. Why can't Dogs live forever?

My sweet boy Max.

Epiphany

For the last few days, I've been almost stuck

in deep thought, reflection and preoccupation with the

question "what do I want out of life?"

Mid-life crisis? No.

Mid-life review? Sort of.

I'm not reflecting upon my life up to now.

I've already spent enough time doing that.

I can't change what's in the past. I can only

hope to learn from all my experiences both positive

and negative and move forward a better me.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my life is not perfect.

I don't think anyone's life is perfect really.

If I was asked, I don't think I could clearly explain what

a perfect life for me would consist of, what it would look like.

I do, have aspects of my life, that make me realize I am blessed.
I recognize that and I am grateful.

The "what do I want out of life" question is actually a selfish question.

I've never been a selfish person. In fact, one of my biggest faults

is that I've never been selfish.  Not in the arrogant way, but

in the way of taking care of my own needs and happiness above

the needs and happiness of others.

If I could describe myself in one word it would be, caregiver.

I don't want to change that, I just want to include myself in it!

I had a feeling come over me yesterday, a sort of light bulb feeling.

A switch was turned on and I had real clarity.

What's that called? An Epiphany?

My thoughts were very precise, logical, sensible and

I could clearly see the way to get the place where I want to be.

I'm going with it and putting it into action.

I'm not ready to share details yet.

I will. One day.

I promise.



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