New Years Eve, honestly I cannot remember. Not because of lost time due to alcohol but because most likely, Adam & I were both asleep when the clock struck midnight.
My first week of the year back at work was as it was the week before the holidays. I go to work every day. I give 110%. I do my job to the very best of my ability. I care about what my employer thinks of me. I realize that any day, I can walk up to the front door and it'll be chained and locked and that'll be that. I work for a company that is in its twilight. A few years back it was at its peak. With the economy as it has been and companies wanting to pay less and less for goods that are costing more an more to manufacture and transport, well, shit happens.
On January 8th, I got the news that on the day before, January 7th, 2012 my friend Jenn passed away. She was 43 years old. This news, for lack of a better way to express it, fucked me up and broke my heart. I consider myself extremely blessed in that both my parents and other people I consider family and love are alive and well. I have known people that have passed due to illness when they were too young and others of old age. However, Jenn is the first person who was close to me that has passed. She was someone who I grew up with, lived with, shared life with, laughed with, shared secrets with, worked with, and one of the few people on the planet who really knew me and I her.
To classify Jenn & my relationship at the time of her death would be "it's complicated". I loved Jenn, I love Jenn. My heart is broken. It will heal in time but the scar will remain for my lifetime. We grew up in the same town. On and off from the age of 8 we were friends that were in and out of each others lives. Figure skating in winter and in the summer, serious rivals in water-polo and teammates in soccer. We went to school together. Had teenage boyfriends that were friends, oh my goodness - Frankie Bilney and Carl Marchand. In high school we both worked at the airport. Jenn at the bookstore and me at the pharmacy. Early adulthood we worked almost right next to each other at the mall. Jenn at Papierific and me at the bank. We lived this odd parallel life.
Then in the early 90's, I moved with my parents 500 kms away from my childhood home. One evening I was at a movie theater and there she was. She had moved here as well. We picked up our friendship right where we'd left off years before. The best way to explain Jenn was that she was a come and go friend. You could go months without seeing her and then when you did, it was as though it had only been days since your last meeting.
We were both on our mid 20's, both single and both far from where we grew up. The people we knew here were work colleagues and not friends so we spent alot of time together. After a couple of years, we moved in together and were roommates.
Living with Jenn was fun and exhausting. Anyone who knew Jenn understands what I mean. It is not negative, it is just the truth and the way it was being friends with Jenn. Jenn was a very dominant personality. She did not like hearing the word no. She was the same when she was 13 as she was when she was 30. If you said no, she would just keep on at you until you said yes. The word manipulative could be used but not in an evil way. She was not evil, she just wanted what she wanted when she wanted it and if you could assist her with meeting her goal....great! Jenn also had a laugh. A laugh that I can hear in my head now just writing about it. I miss that laugh.
I got married in 2004 and at the beginning of 2005 was laid off from a job I'd had for 10 years. Life overwhelmingly changed for me and I moved from the suburbs to the city. For a couple of years, Jenn & I didn't spend time together but would catch up with the occasional e-mail. It was in one of these e-mails where Jenn asked if I was interested in interviewing for a job at the company she'd been with almost 10 years. Because our jobs, skills and strengths were completely different and would not intertwine in the workplace, I decided "why not". I had the interview and started 2 weeks later. This was almost 4 years ago. This is the company that at one time was as successful as it could be. Things became "complicated" when a new project didn't work out as planned and resulted in massive layoffs. The internal struggle of Jenn losing her job and my keeping mine was tough.
On the other hand, I was completely happy that this unfortunate circumstance took Jenn back to our home town. Jenn loved being an Aunt and I felt it would be good for her to be close to family. The plain truth is Jenn died before she truly started living the life I know she wanted. It is brutal and it is honest. She didn't get to be a wife and a Mother. I know she wanted that and she would have been a good Mother. She died too young.
I talk to and think of her often. Oddly it is when I'm brushing my teeth. She has been in my dreams. I hear her calling me Gilbert. I hear her laugh. My daily life involves going places where we spent time together. My parents live across the street from where we lived together. I couldn't go to her Memorial service. I struggled with it. I had many reasons and they are mine and I don't have to justify them to anyone. I realize that no one can tell anyone how to mourn.
As it happens when anyone dies, those close to them change. I have changed. Jenn's death reinforced to me that our health is our wealth. It made me want to live a fuller life cause we never know what tomorrow holds. I know that if you told Jenn on Jan 6th that Jan 7th would be her last day, she'd be pissed. Pissed at the things she didn't try or didn't do.
I miss her.
Jenn on her 40th Birthday.
